Babysitter Zim
by spklvr
Summary: Gaz tricks Zim into babysitting. This can't end well... Zadr


**Author's note:** This thing took so long to write! I wrote like a sentence a day for a while. When I should be studying for my German test I finally finished. I haven't really put too much effort into explaining stuff, so this story might make more sense if you read the Zim and Dib romance first, but it's not really important. It's just a little pwp story anyway. To make it short, professor Membrane married professor Cerebral (male) because Membrane was pregnant. Then they had the baby, Bob. And Zim and Dib started dating. If you want to know how all these things happened, you'll just have to read my other story. Zim and Dib are about 17 or 18 years old here…. Oh, and I don't own Invader Zim.

Warning: Sugar high and sleep deprived humor! I recommend reading this at 3 am in the morning after eating ten to twelve chocolate bars.

**Babysitter Zim!**

Zim was standing outside of Dib's home. He was a little curious as to why he was there. Dib had said that he wouldn't be home that weekend because he was at some kind of paranormal investigator convention someone named Agent darkbootie had invited him to. Then all of a sudden he had called and said he wanted him to come over. He had sounded a bit strange though. He wouldn't usually call himself a loser and an idiot. Zim rang the doorbell and Gaz opened for him.

"Come in Zim," she said sweetly.

"… Is this a trap of some kind?" Zim asked her and took a few steps back. He had never seen her smile before unless someone was hurt or if someone was about to get hurt. He didn't want her to hurt him. She was good at it.

"Don't worry Zim. Dib is waiting for you inside... naked."

"Really?" Zim tried to look inside, but Gaz moved to block his view.

"Oh yeah. He says he misses his Zimmy," she smiled.

Zim wasn't sure what to think. Gaz was acting awfully suspicious, but if Dib really was waiting for him inside… naked, he couldn't throw that opportunity away. He made up is mind. He was going to enter that house and when he did, either something terrible or something very good was going to happen to him. No matter what, he was going to handle it like a man… alien.

"Then I'll come inside, if you don't mind," Zim smiled back.

"Please do." Gaz opened the door wider and signed for him to come in. The second he walked through the door he found himself chained to a chair, in the not sexy way.

"What are you planning Gaz!" he shouted at her.

"Shut up green kid! I called you here, pretending to be Dib with a voice altering device. My idiot brother is away at some geek thing and Dad and Cerebral are out on a date, and will be out all night. Because of that, I was stuck babysitting Bob, which was okay at first, but then I found out that the GS6 will be released tomorrow and I have to get in line now! Every year I am terrified that the GS2 incident will repeat itself. Anyway, since I don't have any friends, thank God, you are the only one I know that can baby-sit Bob for the night."

"You want me to baby-sit Bob? He hates me!"

"See it as an opportunity to bond with Dib's favorite little brother. Those chains will dissolve in 10 minutes. By then I am long gone."

"Dissolve?"

"I have someone that self-destructs too, but they would blow off your hands, and you're going to need them. Well then, see ya. Try not to kill him."

Zim heard the door slam shut behind him, and with that he was alone with a two year old boy that hated him. As Gaz said, when 10 minutes had passed, the chains dissolved and Zim pushed a button to call Gir. A screen came out of his pak, showing Gir eating a taco.

"Gir, I am at Dib's house. I was tricked by Gaz and I need you to come help me!" he said to the robot.

"I'm just gonna eat this taco first!" Gir smiled happily and swallowed it whole. "Okay, I'm done! What did you want me to do again?"

"GO TO DIB'S HOUSE!"

"Okay!" Only 5 seconds after the transmission ended, someone rang the doorbell. Zim jumped up from the chair he had previously been chained to and opened the door. "Hi Master! Why are you at Dib's house?" Gir asked.

"I'm babysitting, Gir. You're better with babies than I am, so I'm going to need your help," Zim explained as the robot entered.

"Where is the baby?" Gir asked and looked around.

"Upstairs in his room, I presume, and that's where we're going Gir. To the room of doom!"

"To the doom room!" Gir shrieked and ran up the stairs.

"The doom room… that's kind of funny," Zim snickered as he followed Gir. When upstairs, the two snuck carefully into the baby's room where little Bob was sleeping soundly.

"Aw, so stinky," Gir grinned.

"Be quiet. You don't want to wake the little smell bomb up!"

"But I do! Wake up little baby!" Zim tried to stop the robot, but it was too late. Little Bob was slowly opening his eyes. The baby wasn't sure what to think when he looked up at his two babysitters. He raised his hand and stretched a finger to point at Zim.

"Alien," he said sleepily, but with a clear resentment in his voice.

"What? I see no alien! You must be dreaming!" Zim giggled nervously.

"Green!" Bob then said loudly.

"It's a skin condition! Look Bob, it's just me and my dog, see?... GIR!"

"What?" Gir asked.

"You're not wearing your disguise!"

Gir looked down at his body. "Oh yeah. It was itchy."

"Itchy? You can itch?"

"I dunno. I guess. Let's flush the baby down the toilet!" Gir lifted Bob up, but Zim snatched the baby from him.

"I have a plan Gir!" Zim explained.

"I wanna flush the baby!"

"Dib loves this little stink-lump," Zim continued, ignoring Gir. "People like people that the people they like, like! So if Bob likes, me, Dib will like me more, and since he already likes me more than anything else, he will like me so much, he will succumb to my every demand. I'MAGENIUS! Do you understand, Gir?"

"I. Wanna. Flush. The. BABY!"

"No Gir. Any idea what people do on those? It's disgusting!" Zim said as he put Bob back into his crib. "Now focus! We have to find a way to make Bob like me, but how?"

Bob was considering his options. He had to do something about the situation, but there was only so much a small child baby could do. The best was to try and chase the alien away. He grabbed the hardest toy he could reach and threw it at Zim. "Ouch!" Zim cried. "You stupid smell thing! You dare evoke the wrath of ZIM!"

"Hungry!" Bob whined.

"Huh?"

"He said hungry!" Gir smiled.

"Yes, I heard that Gir. This is a good opportunity, what do babies eat?"

"I dunno. What do you want baby?" Gir asked Bob as he jumped up on the crib to see the baby better.

"Pizza!"

"… He wants pizza," Gir told Zim and stood up straight on the floor again.

"Alright. Gir, did you bring your coupons?"

"Well duh!"

"Good. Go order pizza for the smelly corn dookie!"

"Yes sir!" Gir saluted and ran screaming out of the room.

"And now, back to making you like me… what do you want to do little boy?" Zim smiled at the baby. Bob looked at Zim for a moment and threw another toy at him. "Ouch! Why do you hate me so, you smelly thing!"

"Alien!" Bob shouted.

"You hate me just because I'm an alien that tried to take over your planet and destroy your species? That's ridicules and discriminating. Dib likes me and he knows I'm an alien. So LOVE ME!" Boink. "STOP THROWING TOYS AT ME!" Boink. "Okay, that's it. I'm taking your toys away!"

Zim picked up what remained of Bob's toys and threw them on the floor, out of the little boy's reach. Bob looked at his toys for a while, simply amazed by the alien's nerve. Then he began missing his toys. Especially his little piggy. He really wanted his piggy. His eyes got teary and he let out a loud shriek.

"What are you doing?" Zim asked the crying baby. "Stop making that sound! Hey! Are there little people in your ears? I told you to stop!" It only got worse and Bob didn't seem to be stopping anytime soon. "My plan seems to be backfiring. At this rate the baby will continue hating me, only more. Then Dib will hate me more… NOOOO!" As Zim's wailing continued, Bob stopped to figure out just what Zim was doing. After screaming for almost a minute, Zim ran out of breath and noticed that Bob also had gone quiet. The two of them looked awkwardly at each other for a while. Zim wondered a bit when Gir would be back.

"I GOT IT!" Zim suddenly exclaimed. "Bob, to Dib's computer!" Zim picked up the slightly startled Bob and ran into Dib's room. He sat down in front of the computer, put Bob on his lap and got the machine running. As he had to enter the password, he began to giggle. "He uses my name as password. Isn't that sweet. Your brother has meaty feelings of love for me!"

Bob was looking confused at Zim, but the alien was too busy typing to notice. "How to make baby stop making annoying noise," Zim said out loud as he wrote it. "I'm not sure you'll do that thing again, but if you do, I want to be prepared," Zim explained to Bob. "Oh, here's something. To make baby stop making annoying noise, you must figure out what is wrong. Baby could be hungry, tired, bored, be in pain, want something, want attention or have a dirty diaper… wow, and I thought I complained about a lot. You don't have a dirty diaper, do you?" Zim asked the baby. Bob thought for a moment, and then shook his head. "Good. That's just disgusting."

"Guess who got pizza!" Gir announced as he entered the room, carrying a large pizza over his head.

"Wonderful. Now, give…"

"Guess who got pizza!" Gir hissed.

"…You?"

"Yes. Wow, you're good."

"I know. Now, give a slice to the hungry baby!"

"YES SIR! Here you go baby!" Gir gave the slice to Bob who accepted it happily. The little baby looked at it with big eyes. The pizza was greasy with slices of ham, pepperoni, a lot of cheese and it looked absolutely delicious! But as he moved it closer to his mouth, it was rudely taken away.

"Wait!" Zim said loudly. "Pizza is not on the approved baby food list! In fact, it's on the 'Don't feed your baby with this' list! This is bad Gir, he almost ate it."

"Wow. Poor baby… can I have it?"

"Sure Gir," Zim threw the slice to Gir who caught it with his mouth and swallowed it whole. "What do babies eat then?" Gir asked before eating the rest of the pizza. That Bob was looking at them both with teary eyes, neither noticed. He wanted that pizza. Why would only Gaz give him pizza?

"Apparently mashed foods and porridge."

"I'll make mashed potatoes!"

"Let's see if they already have something. I don't want him to get sick."

"WANT PIZZA!" Bob suddenly wailed and started crying loudly again.

"Oh no! It started again! Quick Gir, to the kitchen!"

"Yay! Porridge sucks!" Gir and Zim ran down the stairs with Bob and somersaulted into the kitchen. They started to open cupboards and the fridge and throwing away stuff that were in the way. Bob watched in amusement as the kitchen got messier and messier. The stolen pizza was already forgotten. The joy of only having the attention span of a two year old.

"I can't find anything!" Zim yelled. "What about you Gir?"

"I dunno. What's… baby… food?" Gir said while looking at the box.

"That's it Gir! Hand it over!" Gir threw it at Zim. It hit his head before landing neatly in his free hand. Bob, who was residing in the other, giggled and stuck his tongue out at the alien. "Watch it, Smelly. Or you're not getting any food. Gir take the baby while I prepare the feast!" Gir skipped over and took Bob while Zim read the box. Once he was done, he opened it and studied the content. "We need to mix this powder stuff with water…" Zim shuddered. "Until it is of wanted thickness. Then we heat it in the microwave for 30 seconds. Sounds easy enough. So hand me a bowl thingy!"

Gir looked confused around. "You mean the baby?" he asked and lifted Bob higher.

"No. A bowl!"

"Oh." Gir looked around again. "Here's one!" he smiled and took a bowl up from the floor. Zim snatched it from him and placed it in the sink. He got ready to jump away, got the water running, and then _did _jump away. Once the bowl was full he stretched out and shut the tap off. He followed the recipe on the box, which was unlike Zim, but he wouldn't take any chances with Dib's little brother. Once done, Zim put the bowl in front of Bob that was sitting by the table. Bob eyed the food. He didn't want it, but he was hungry. And they had forgotten to give him a spoon and he never missed an opportunity to eat with his hands. He grabbed a handful of the sticky substance and shoved it in his mouth.

"Yay! Gross!" Gir giggled.

"Why are you…?" 'Ring'. Zim turned towards the sound. It was coming from the living room. 'Ring'. "It's…" 'Ring'. "The phone!"

"Aren't you gonna get it?" Gir asked while stuffing Bob's mouth with porridge. Bob was laughing loudly as he did.

"I will…" He was on his way to the phone, but stopped to look at Gir. Bob would survive for a few minutes. He ran for the phone and picked it up. "Hello?" he asked.

"_Zim? What are you doing at my house? Where is Gaz?_" Dib asked.

"Gaz had to go to this thing so I am babysitting your precious little brother."

"… _You are?_"

"Yes, and I am doing a wonderful job."

"_Have you fed him?_"

"He's eating now."

"_Changed his diaper?_"

"He has yet to poop."

"_And you are sure he's still alive?_"

"Yeeeees! Dead things don't move unless you do something with them! So if he's dead and I don't know it, it's your fault! I told you, I'm doing a great job."

"_I guess. Can I talk to him?_"

"Huh? Why would you rather talk to HIM, than talk to ME, your friend who is even more important than even your bestest friend?"

"_First, it's called boyfriend, second, I just wanna talk to him a little, and then I can talk to you again. Please?"_

Zim thought for a moment. "Alright. I shall let you talk to your brother. He's in the kitchen. I'm going there now…"

"_What? Something wrong?_"

"Umm… Nothing. Gotta go. See ya." Zim hung up and ran into the kitchen. "GIR? Where are you!? Bob?" They were both missing. "GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR!" The phone started ringing again. Zim lifted it hesitantly up to his ear while running up the stairs. "Hello?" he said as calmly as he could.

"_Why did you hang up? I wanted to talk to Bob_," Dib said.

"It's nothing. Don't worry. I'll find him."

"_YOU LOST HIM!_"

"NO, I did not lose him! I just seem to have misplaced him…"

"_IT'S THE SAME THING!_"

Zim poked his head into the baby room. Not there either. "I left him with Gir in the kitchen and he must've taken him somewhere. I'm sorry. I thought he could take him care of him while I was on the phone. A stupid mistake from my side."

"_Any idea where they are?_"

"They don't appear to be in the house," Zim said as he entered the last room.

"_Okay, don't panic. Both Bob and Gir love the park. You should check it out. If they are not there… I'll panic and come back home_."

"Don't worry Dib. Even if it will be the last thing I do, I shall find Bob for you, my Oreo creamy fantasticness!"

"… _Thanks?_"

"Goodbye Dib. I shall call you back when I find him." Zim hung up again and ran down the stairs and out the front door. "GIR!" he shouted, but there was no response. "Wait! Why don't I just call him?" Zim pushed the button on his wrist and the screen came out of pak again. "Gir?" he asked. The screen appeared to be broken somehow. Zim gave it a light pat and a red, plastic wrench fell down on the ground. Zim looked at it for a moment and recognized it as one of Bob's toys. "Poor Bob. He practically just signed his own death sentence," he whispered as he picked it up.

As Dib had predicted Gir and Bob had found themselves a nice place in the park. Bob was playing with some toys in the sandbox while Gir chased squirrels around. Zim growled as he saw them. He had used his feet to run there and find them, and he did not like it.

"Gir! What are you doing?" Zim asked as he stomped closer to them.

"What?" Gir wondered. The squirrel hissed at them and ran up a tree where it disappeared among the leaf.

"Get Bob and let's go home. It is way too late for a little worm baby to be outside!"

"But we were having fun! I found a squirrel."

"I don't care Gir! Get Bob…" Zim fell silent again. Bob was gone… again. "Did you see where he went?" Zim asked.

Gir looked around. "Nope."

"Gir! This time he's really missing. Dib will be really angry with me!"

"I like potatoes!"

"… I can't stand you right now… BOB! WHERE ARE YOU! BOB?"

While Zim's plan to make Dib succumb to his every wish wasn't going quite as planned, Bob's plan on the other hand, was going perfectly. From the bush he was hiding in, he watched the alien and robot run to find him. While laughing, he wobbled out of the park and continued walking in the city. His plan was simple. Get home and sleep until his family came home, but as he wobbled through the crowd of people (who did not seem to think it was strange for a two year old to be walking around in the dark by himself) he remembered that he had no clue where he lived.

He sat down on the curb, and like any other normal baby, he started to cry loudly. He was still casually ignored by all the passer-bys. He sat there, wailing for hours, (that would be 10 minutes in real life time) when he suddenly heard a familiar voice shout his name.

"BOB!" Zim said excitedly and lifted the baby from the ground. Bob stared at his saviour. The alien he had hated just hours (minutes) before, was now smiling an angels smile while carrying him in his arm. "Thank the almighty tallest I found you! Dib would've hated me if I hadn't!"

"But wouldn't he hate you for losing him too?" Gir wondered as he skipped over to them.

"SILENCE! Let's go home." Zim looked down at the drowsy Bob lying in his arms. "He's sleepy it seems," Zim smiled.

**Two Hours Later**

When Zim hadn't called back, Dib had gotten worried and decided to come home after all. The supernatural investigator convention wasn't as cool as he thought anyway. They were all kind of geeky. Even worse than him. What he saw as he entered the house was a surprise though. A pleasant one, he should add. Zim was sleeping on his couch with a sleeping Bob on his lap, and Gir had curled up under a pizza box on the floor. Dib walked over to them and gave both the alien and the baby a little kiss. Zim slowly opened his eyes and they eventually settled on him.

"Why are you here?" he yawned. "Aren't you supposed to be at that geek thing?"

"It got boring, so I decided to come home." Dib looked around a bit. "Nobody else here… maybe we should go to my room."

"I'd like that," Zim chuckled and the two kissed again.

Bob woke up as he heard voices. He opened his eyes slowly at first, but they shot open when he saw what he did. His brother was all over HIS Zim! Boink. "Ouch! Why did you throw your rubber piggie at me?" Dib groaned as he rubbed the spot he had been hit. Boink. "Ouch! That was the remote!" Boink. "AH! My eye!" Boink. "STOP IT! Zim stop him!" Boink…

The end

**Author's random rambling:** Don't know if Zim actually sleeps… The name Bob is kind of weird, (I apologize to everyone named Bob) but there is actually a story behind the name. I was talking with my cousin on the phone one day, and we were talking about a summer a few years ago when we were crab-fishing and we named all the crabs Bob. It was Bob, little Bob, Big Bob, Medium Bob, Red Bob, One-Claw Bob, etc. We were high on sugar and a little sleep deprived. I was writing this story while talking with her about this and decided to use it.


End file.
